Love Languages - Quality Time
Tuesday, February 14, 2012 at 2:14PM Dear brothers and sisters in Christ, welcome to God’s living room,
Quality Time.
AT&T commercial of couple in restaurant.
Today we are going to talk about Quality Time. One of the dialects of quality time is focused attention. In focused attention the activity that takes places is incidental, what happens on the emotional level is what is important. Let me give you an example. Beth wanted to go play tennis when she and Bob first were married. Bob is kind of a competitive sports guy so he’s thinking this is great. Beth is thinking this is going to be about spending quality time together. And Bob is looking forward to getting his competitive juices going. Well the tennis match didn’t go so well. They didn’t even play a set. Beth complained, “This is no fun, you don’t hit the ball to me.” And Bob boastfully said, “Well, that is not the purpose of the game.” Bob didn’t realize the tennis was the avenue for quality time for Beth.
Jesus offers focused attention. Remember when Andrew brought his brother Simon to see the Messiah. When Simon came into his presence Jesus didn’t look over his shoulder, Jesus didn’t begin another conversation with someone else, Jesus looked him in the eye and spoke heart to heart. Here is the account.
For some this is love at its loudest. When I am talking about quality time, I am talking about undivided attention time. That means no cell phones for texting, facebooking, calling, angry birding not even watching TV. Someone once noted the difference between dating couples and married couples in a restaurant. The dating couples talked and looked into each other’s eyes while the married couples simply ate.
Another dialect of Quality Time is quality conversation. Quality conversation is a sympathetic conversation where two people are sharing their experience, thoughts, feelings and desires in a friendly uninterrupted context. Quality conversation is different than words of affirmation. Words of affirmation focus on what we are saying; quality conversation focuses on what we are hearing. Quality conversation draws out not only the situation but the emotions and tries to understand and be at one with the other person.
John 11:17-44 In John 11 Jesus hears not only the words of Martha but also the heart of Martha. And when he talked with Mary, Martha’s sister, his emotions pour out too. Martha’s tears became his tears. Mary’s tears became his tears. John 11:35 says, Jesus wept.
People often don’t want advice; they just want to know they are understood. Many of us analyze and formulate a solution. We need to listen better that is long enough, well enough to hear cries for support and understanding. God gave us two ears and one mouth, use accordingly.
Another dialect of Quality time is learning to talk. Not just speaking but self revelation. Beth said of Bob, “I just wish my husband would talk. I never know what he is thinking or feeling.” Beth is pleading for intimacy. She wants to feel close to him, but how can she feel close to someone she doesn’t know. In order for her to feel loved, he must reveal himself. JESUS and SELF REVELATION. Jesus in John 11 revealed himself in some of the most powerful words ever spoken, I am the resurrection and the life. Jesus revealed himself in John 11 by some of the most powerful words and actions ever. He said, Lazarus come out. And Lazarus came back to life. It has been said, it was very important that Jesus said Lazarus come out and not just “Come out.” Because if he had just said, “Come out.” All the dead would have come out of their graves.
Self-revelation doesn’t come easy for some of us. Some of grew up in homes where the expression of thoughts and feelings was not only not even encouraged but was condemned. To request a toy was to receive a lecture on the sad state of the family’s finances. The child goes away feeling guilty for the request. When the child expressed anger, the parents responded with harshness and further condemnation. The child learned the expressing angry feeling was not ok. And so if the child felt disappointed, he/she learned to keep those inside too. By the time many of us reached adulthood, we have learned to deny our feeling. And some of us to escape our feeling not counting have come up with fantasy people or affairs where we can express our feelings. Self revelation might be hard for some of us because we are insecure and aren’t sure how we will be received. Some of us are people pleasers and don’t want to hurt anyone by what we say or do.
The book says the average person listens for 17 seconds before interrupting. No wonder lectures/sermon are so hard right? Now when it comes to talking all of us are affected by our personalities. There are two extremes. The one is the Dead Sea. The Dead Sea goes nowhere. It receives but it doesn’t give. And then there is the Babbling Brook. The Babbling Brook receives and then within 60 seconds begins to talk. Whatever they see or hear, they tell. If no one is at home to talk to, they will call someone else. If they can find someone to talk to they will journal and talk to themselves. Dead Seas will often marry Babbling Brooks. Makes sense right? Dead Seas don’t have to worry about what to say or how to get the conversation started. Babbling Brooks need a good listener. But after 5 years the Babbling Brook will wake up and say, “I don’t know her/him.” The Dead Sea after five years is saying I know him/her to well. I wish he/she would stop the flow. The good news Dead Seas can learn to talk and babbling Brooks can learn to listen. We are influenced by our personality but not controlled by it.
Here is an exercise for you to learn your emotions. Carry a small notepad/i-pad with you daily. Three times a day ask yourself what emotions have I felt in the last three hours. EX: What did I feel like having to stop at all those traffic lights on Capitol Drive? So you can just make two columns. One marked “events” and the other “feelings.” And so it might look something like this:
Event Feeling
Red lights Impatient
Phone call excited
Donuts relieved
Then share your items with your spouse. Now emotions are necessarily good or bad. Here is a typical response pattern in life: Situation, Perception Emotion, Choice, Action, Consequence then repeat. In each of life’s events we have emotions, thoughts, desires and eventually actions. It is the expression of the process that we call self-revelation. To learn the love language of quality conversation that is the learning road you must take.
The next is quality activities. Quality activities may include anything in which 1 or both of you have an interest. The emphasis is not on what you are doing but why you are doing it. The purpose is to experience something together. To walk away from the experience saying, “He cares about me. He was willing to something with me, I enjoyed and he did it with appositive attitude. Scripturally we see Jesus being involved in quality activities from the wedding at Cana, sermon on the mount, sailing with his friends, story time at the lake (Matthew 13), transfiguration mountain, parades, washing feet in the upper room, prayer with his friends, healing in the home, worship in the temple, home cooked meals with Matthew, Zacchaeus, the two disciples of Emmaus to name a few, camping at the Sea of Galilee and on and on.
Quality time, focused attention, sharing the truth all were a part of Jesus not only in bible time but also in the time of our time. Jesus is always with us through thick and thin. If you need someone to talk to Jesus is always with you. Need someone to talk to open your heart to God in prayer. Need someone to talk to you open this book and listen with focused attention and see how his story and your story intersect and connect at the cross.
How is your quality time with Jesus? I’m not talking about the last time you read your Bible. I’m talking about when was the last time you read your bible at took it to heart? When is the last time you cracked open your heart to God in prayer? Paula reads a chapter of the Bible a day. She is always feeling guilty about only reading a chapter a day. When she was at Sam’s Club on Thursday buying things for today’s lunch, she saw a chronological bible in a year, so she picked it up. As she was telling me about it, she said you know God just want us to love him. I see that so clearly now that I am reading the bible one chapter a day. I want you to know she is in the Old Testament. And she was able to clearly pick out God’s action and God’s desire. His action is rescue from the serpent Satan, the life of sin, and the world of evil. His desire is that we love him. A chapter a day, quality time. You reap what you sow. Jesus is with you and loves you eternally and unconditionally. It is your time of grace and it’s your move. Let’s pray.